A Tear in the Veil Read online

  Mitch is staring at them now and even Delores is looking back toward them. She doesn’t seem able to determine what happened. Felix sees Shasta peak out through her door over in the female section.

  “Don’t talk to me anymore,” Felix says and starts limping away.

  “Not just a river in Egypt, huh?” Rudy asks behind him.

  Felix stops and looks back.

  “What?”

  “Denial,” Rudy says.

  “Fuck off.”

  Felix turns and limps toward his room.

  The pay phone handset is resting across the cradle hook. It’s still weird to Felix that they have pay phones in here but it makes sense in a way.

  Ray told Felix his mom was on the phone. There’s no way Ray could know how much that hurt. Felix didn’t feel like explaining it. He’s already a bit fragile with everything going on.

  Felix picks up the handset and puts it to his ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Felitchka, oh thank goodness. Are you alright?”

  Isidora. Ray was as correct as he could be. Shit, I should have called them first.

  “Hi, tyotechka. I’m fine, yeah. How did you–”

  “Audrey gave me this number. What happened?”

  “I have… They said I have what my dad had. Something similar at least. I saw really strange things.”

  “Audrey said something about her car?”

  “You talked to her?” Felix asks, trying to slip past the car thing.

  “Yes, I did. She said you’ve been there a few days but she didn’t know if you had already called. I told her you hadn’t…”

  Felix lets that one wash over him. She’s good with subtle guilt trips.

  “Sorry I didn’t. Just out of sorts I guess.”

  “I think I understand.”

  “How is Walter?”

  “He is upset, to be honest. Not with you. I think it makes him think about your father. I don’t think he will visit. He is uncomfortable in places like that.”

  “You shouldn’t either.”

  “Pardon?”

  “I just mean you don’t have to visit. I just want to get this medicine working all the way before I see anyone. I don’t want to act weird or anything.”

  Silence on her end.

  “Felix, there is nothing wrong with you.”

  “What?”

  “Just… don’t blame yourself or think you are strange. It’s not your fault. If the medicine will help you for now, just do that then.”

  “Okay. That’s all I can do I guess.”

  More silence. Or is she cupping the receiver?

  “Everything will be alright, Felitchka. We love you very much.”

  “I love you too,” Felix says.

  “I have to go.”

  “Okay. Thanks for calling.”

  “You will be fine, darling Felix. Believe me,” Isidora says in an odd tone.

  Felix says, “I kn–” before Isidora hangs up. Felix frowns.

  She was a little odd. Must be upset about my illness.

  Felix hangs up the phone.

  Two days later, early afternoon. Jesse is asleep on his bed, covers flung around but not on him. He snores really loud.

  Felix reads another haiku book on his bed. He’s wearing big, Hi-Fi style headphones attached to an mp3 player they had at the desk. They had enough players for a full ward population. They play soothing nature sounds and other stuff like that. Felix is listening to the sounds of a thunderstorm. Rain. Wind. Thunder rolls sporadically.

  Something catches Felix’s attention. Rudy is waving at him from the doorway. Felix sets the book down and takes the headphones off.

  Rudy is holding a big department store bag.

  “Hey, I’m getting out today.”

  “Great. Have fun,” Felix responds.

  “Yeah, fuck you too.”

  Rudy steps into the room and hands Felix a slip of paper.

  “What’s this?”

  “My deets and mail. In case you need it.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Better to have it and not need it.”

  “Whatever. Take your medicine and have a nice life,” Felix says.

  “Don’t worry about me, bitch.”

  “Oh, I won’t,” Felix says with a smile.

  Rudy shakes his head and walks back to the doorway.

  “No wonder your girlfriend kicked your punk ass out of her car. Yeah, I figured that one out. You’re an asshole, man. Have fun dying alone and unloved.”

  In a sing-song way like a mother reminding a child to brush their teeth, Felix says, “Take your med-ih-ciiiiiine.”

  Rudy walks out of the room still shaking his head. As he walks down the hall, Felix hears him grumble something like, “Fuckin’ bitch.”

  The slip of paper has an email and phone number like he said but there’s also a note on it which reads, “Keep an open mind”.

  Felix crumples it up and throws it in the metal waste basket by his bed. He puts the headphones back on and decides to let the forgetting of Rudy begin.

  11

  After Rudy leaves the FMC, everything goes much more smoothly. Felix spends the next couple weeks taking his medicine, reading, watching TV, drawing pretty pictures of Audrey and other innocuous things, and playing ping-pong with Ray. Felix is a lot better at ping-pong than beanbag therapy.

  An orthopedic doctor came in and told him to stop wearing his sling. He actually got really pissed because he didn’t think Felix should have been wearing one at all. His shoulder feels a lot better, though. No atrophy or loss of function. Just feels weird sometimes.

  He has a few more interviews or therapy sessions. One with Doctor Fleischmann, then three with Sasha Menlo due to him being on a trip or something. Felix decides he judged her too harshly. She’s hella fine, sure, but she actually is really smart and gifted at the whole psychotherapy thing. Held him once when he was upset and everything. Very tender. Smelled nice too.

  Felix even opens up at group therapy about his father’s illness and suicide. Has a few good cries a long time in the making, he supposes.

  Maybe this is just what I needed. You had the right idea, Tim.

  Felix sits in a chair across from Doctor Fleischmann’s desk watching him jot down notes on a pad. The doctor finishes his notes and looks up at Felix. He studies Felix’s face.

  Doctor Fleischmann asks, “So, you have not seen or heard any more of the ‘distortions’ or ‘warping’ you had spoken of?”

  “No, not at all,” Felix says.

  “And no voices or strange ideas… paranoia?”

  “None. Didn’t really have that, though, I don’t think.”

  “I am just making sure nothing else has developed,” Doctor Fleischmann responds, seemingly only slightly annoyed by Felix’s suggestion he might not remember.

  “Of course,” Felix says and smiles.

  The doctor studies Felix’s face and eyes again, jots one more note then flips his notepad closed.

  “Excellent. Now, today will be slightly different, Felix. You have been here just about the minimum amount of time for the medicine to take effect. You seem to be doing quite well. Would you agree?”

  “Yes. Just fine,” Felix says.

  “Splendid. I will stop tiptoeing around it then… Audrey is in a room down the hall.”

  Felix’s stomach tightens and that dread is back. He’s uncomfortable just at the thought of seeing Audrey.

  Doctor Fleischmann watches Felix closely as he says, “If you feel up to it, I would like for you to see her. We have already spoken and she understands that if, after this meeting, you don’t feel like going home yet, you can stay with no ill will on her part. If you do feel ready, you may be discharged immediately. Moving forward, we can schedule outpatient appointments as needed but you should be fine as long as you take the Harmonia on schedule.”

  Felix shifts in the chair. He’s very nervous.

  “If you don’t want to see her yet, I will have h
er return on another day,” the doctor says.

  Felix rubs his hands together in his lap and his eyes dart around while he tries to get used to the idea.

  “You seem quite anxious. I’ll have her come back another–”

  “No. I’d like to… I want to see her.”

  Doctor Fleischmann smiles.

  The doctor opens the door to a small interview room and lets Felix step in past him. Audrey sits in a chair at a small rectangular table.

  She looks great. Nervous, but great. At least it’s not one-sided.

  She wears a glossy raven tucked up do with a large front roll and side rolls, an authentic forties casual ensemble, and generally tasteful makeup for those keeping score. Really wet looking red lipstick, though…

  She did miss me.

  She only uses that to treat him. She thinks it’s trashy herself.

  They smile sheepishly at each other.

  “You two play nicely now. He is mostly healed.”

  Felix and Audrey let out polite, anxious laughter. Doctor Fleischmann winks at them… or was it just for her? Felix wishes he could shake the weird feeling he gets when Fleischmann is near Audrey. The doctor closes the door behind him as he leaves.

  Felix sits down across from Audrey. There is an awkward silence. Audrey says, “I talked to Dudley. He’s cool. Thinks you have some über stomach flu or something.”

  “Thanks.”

  More silence.

  “How have you been?” asks Felix.

  Audrey studies his eyes then forces a little smile. “Okay. Good.”

  “You have a new boyfriend yet?”

  Audrey glares at Felix in disbelief. “That’s not funny. How could you say that?” She starts tearing up a bit.

  This must have been hard on her. So far, so good?

  “I’m sorry, Audrey. I didn’t mean to…” He sighs. “Okay, that’s a lie. This is gonna sound really weird but… I need you to get mad… at me.”

  “What the hell, Felix? Why? I’m trying really hard to keep it together here.”

  “I just need to know something. Please.”

  Audrey shakes her head and looks around the room, thinking. Felix watches her closely. Tears form as she begins and roll down her face.

  “Mad, huh? That’s not so hard, I guess. First, you jump out of my car and bust yourself all up. Then in the hospital, you look at me like I’m the crazy one. They put you in here and your doctor calls me up and says you don’t want to see me for like a month! Just me! Hiro and Kaori get to see you while I sit home like a fucking military wife or something! Then–” Audrey chokes up then laughs through it sarcastically and continues, “Then I see you for the first time in forever and you want me to get ‘mad’!” She looks up at the ceiling then locks eyes with Felix. “I love you, Felix Brewer, but there’s only so much bullshit I can take!”

  Nothing. No distortions or shark eyes or cutouts or glowing darkness. Not even a little.

  Felix takes one of Audrey’s hands and kisses it. “Thank you. I love you too, Audrey. So much. I’m sorry.”

  Audrey squeezes his hands with hers and gently but firmly pulls it out of his grasp to get more tissues. She dabs at her mascara tears with the fresh tissues as she says, “You’re welcome, twitchy. So… now what?”

  “If you’ll have me, I want to come home. I’ll take the medicine for the rest of my life if I can spend it with you.”

  “Aw, mushy poetics will get you everywhere. But you bet your ass you will. I don’t think I could go through this again,” she chuckles softly, relieved and exhausted from emotional stress. He feels the same.

  Felix says, “You won’t have to.”

  They lean over the table and kiss passionately. Felix runs his fingers through her silken hair and cradles the back of her head and neck, kissing her like it was the first time.

  They pull apart just a bit and Felix kisses Audrey on her forehead above her right eye, then again on her right temple. Audrey kisses Felix’s neck and jaw line near his scars.

  Audrey stands at the desk with Felix while he signs discharge papers. She signed one releasing him to her and now she’s just waiting.

  Peggy did a double take when she saw Audrey and she keeps looking back at her in-between changing papers out for Felix.

  Felix has his sling and some underwear in a Macy’s bag on the floor at his feet. He signs for his personal effects and Peggy hands him a small bag containing his shoelaces. He chuckles and looks down the hall toward the interview rooms and offices. Sasha Menlo is standing in the doorway of an office speaking with Doctor Fleischmann who has his back to them.

  Audrey says, “I guess we’ll have to get those laced back up quick. Wouldn’t want you to trip and… and…” she trails off. Felix looks back at her.

  Audrey is staring down the hall at Sasha. She cocks her head and takes a few slow steps past Felix and the desk to examine closer. Sasha looks at her and Audrey stops. Sasha stops talking and Doctor Fleischmann notices. The doctor looks back and sees Audrey. He blushes a bit and his expression changes to one of something like boyish guilt.

  Without turning around Audrey asks, “Felix, can we go? I’d like to go.”

  “Yeah, just have to go to the pharmacy.”

  She just says, “Let’s,” then turns and walks past the desk and down the entry hall, only stopping when she gets to the big mirror doors.

  Who knows how that would feel? Seeing someone that similar? Weird for sure.

  Ray approaches the desk area.

  “Hey, man. Getting out, huh?”

  “Yeah,” Felix says.

  “Take care of yourself. And no more street diving, right?”

  “Right. Hey, work on your backhand smash. Way too easy to defend.”

  “Yeah, whatever. I was rusty. At least I didn’t hit Delores with a crazy ricochet.”

  Felix says, “It was off your paddle, though, so you sorta did. Anyway, I doubt she noticed.”

  They laugh.

  Ray says, “You just take care.”

  Felix nods and says, “Bye guys.”

  Peggy waves.

  Felix picks up his bag and walks toward Audrey at the mirror doors.

  Felix and Audrey walk through the parking lot to the Swede. She seems relieved to be out of the facility. He looks back at the facility as they walk and notices the dense woods behind it again. He thinks about the patio pond with the islands, bamboo, and mirrors in the facility. He never wants to come back, but part of him will miss that trippy setup.

  Audrey reaches the Swede first and opens the door for Felix. He gets in and sets his bag down at his feet.

  It is a little odd to be back in this seat.

  She walks around to the driver side and gets in. After she’s situated, she presses a new button installed under the dash left of the steering wheel.

  Felix hears a little clicking sound in his door.

  “What was that?” he asks.

  “Open it.”

  Felix tries to open the passenger door but can’t. He looks at Audrey sheepishly.

  She says, “Aftermarket child safety locks. Cuts down on unwanted injuries, deaths, or sleepless nights caused by lying in a cold, empty bed.”

  She forces a smile to lessen the blow of her mean but deserved joke. Felix hopes it’s a joke anyway. He returns the forced smile and they both look forward.

  Audrey starts the car and drives out of the parking lot.

  She turns the key in the lock and swings their front door open, jumps in a bit, and makes a sweeping gesture with her arm like a showman. “Surprise!”

  Felix doesn’t see anyone in the hallway. He gives her a confused look.

  “Just kidding. I am just a bitch today.” She chuckles and says, “I was going to have some sort of surprise party but I didn’t know if you would actually be coming home today.”

  “That’s cool. Not sure I’d be up for it.”

  “Yeah… Well, there is one thing. Stay here.”

  Audrey prances down
the hall and whips around at the kitchen opening about halfway down, an excited gleam in her eyes. She does something with her hand on the wall in the kitchen and something lights up in the ceiling hallway above her that Felix hadn’t noticed. It has a towel covering it, which Audrey pulls down like a dramatic magician.

  It’s a neon sign which reads, “I love you Felix” Argon and mercury blue “I love you”, bright orange “Felix”.

  “So you don’t forget,” she says, a little misty eyed.

  Felix steps inside and closes the door. He walks down the hallway. The letters on the sign are a little squat so as to allow walking under, he supposes. As he gets closer, he notices that the “Felix” is actually made up of something he believes are called Nixie tubes. These are smoother than the iconic drip style ones he’s seen. More like clear bubble packaging.

  “I love it,” he says, smiling.

  “You better. I paid that girl’s girl Crescent in the sculpture department to make it for me. Had to flirt a little even. She said the comma wouldn’t be worth the work, so I guess I should have shown more leg.”

  “What are the tube things for?”

  “Oh! I forgot. She makes her own custom nixie tubes too. Nuts, right? They won’t let her bring some of her equipment and gases on campus even.” She chuckles. “So, on the rare occasion that you beat me home or something…”

  Audrey does something else to the kitchen controls.

  The “Felix” tubes flip through a sequence and form into a glowing “Audrey”. The “ey” at the end is one tube to make up for the letter count difference.

  Felix laughs and says, “Perfect.”

  Audrey beckons him closer with her finger. He leans in and they kiss. He slides his arms around her and starts for her bottom. She pulls gently away.

  “Nope!” Audrey yells.

  “Aw, what?”

  “You get comfy in the living room. I’ll put your stuff away.”

  “Okay.”

  Audrey walks down the hallway. Watching her walk away in her little dress gets Felix excited and a little nervous for the fooling around he hopes is inevitable.

  Why am I nervous? I was only gone a few weeks.

  Felix walks down to the living room and sits on a couch. Across from him in place of the old Trinitron standard TV and funky entertainment center is a huge high-definition panel TV that must be over fifty inches. It’s installed in the wall and there are nice shelves under it, which hold not only his PS2, N64, NES, and SNES, but now there is a brand new PS3 and Xbox 360 staring at him. All of his old games are neatly arranged on their own shelves and each new system has several games each, most of them still sealed.